There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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