Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
do herpes really smell.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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