I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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