This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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