i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
