Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
