Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
