he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
