The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
