last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
