Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
why do cheetos always look like penises
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
