you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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