Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
