Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
