Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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