I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
