Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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