Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.