My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
