kristin has been a bad kristin
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
