Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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