getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
And then he peed in my hair
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