Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
