Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize