There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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