Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just invented taco cereal.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
