I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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