I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
