Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
