if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
