i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
