moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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