Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
