I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
