he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
