I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
don't judge my taste in strippers
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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