onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
