A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
