I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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