Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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