Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
