Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
