Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have feelings that need drinking.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
