Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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