it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
