my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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