Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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