they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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