If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i think my cat just said my name.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
