Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
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I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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