I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He did a backflip because drugs
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
