Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize