Your face is a jimmy john
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
