and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
