I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
