I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
