Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
