I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
