yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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